Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition

Episode 4: “Decomposed Dicks”

by Derek, LOTR_Dan, Isa Yo-Jo, and DJW

Legal “anal bum cover”: Daria and all associated characters are property of MTV/Viacom.   Saturday Night Live is property of NBC.  Neither is used with any permission whatsoever.  What are you going to do, sue us? (Just kidding!)

Notes: Thanks to LOTR_Dan, Isa “Squirter” Yo-Jo, and D(-ecomposing Dick)JW for volunteering to do this fic with me.

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[ Scene opens on the Celebrity Jeopardy set.  Derek is the host, and LOTR_Dan, Isa Yo-Jo, and DJW (in order from closest to the host to farthest) are the contestants.  Dan and Isa look psyched and ready to go, while DJW looks dazed and confused. ]

Derek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition.  We have quite an interesting line-up here today.  In first place, with $69, is LOTR_Dan.

Dan: Damn straight!  Heh, 69.

Isa: [ Laughs ] Dude, you said “69”.

Dan: I did.  I like 69.

Derek: Don’t we all.  Moving on, in second place is Isa Yo-Jo, with $1.61803.  How you people get these weird sums is beyond me.

Isa: That’s “pi” if you’re as dumb as me!

Derek: Er, no, that would be phi.  Finally, in last place is DJW, who has $0 because he hasn’t answered any questions yet.

DJW: Wuh?  ...Hey, where the hell am I, anyway?

Derek: A very scary nightmare, at least for me it is.

DJW: Nah, this ain’t a nightmare.  If it was, there would be monkees.

Derek: Fortunately, they’re not doing that nature show until Friday.

Isa: If I win, can I have a monkee?

Dan: If I win, can I get her?

Isa: Who? What? Huh?

Derek: Um, no.

Dan: Dammit!  Why am I even on this show?

Derek: Anyway, here are the categories: [ as he mentions each category, the sign for it lights up with a DING] Character Names Starting With Q; Deposed Dictators; ‘Maters - if you pick this category, you automatically lose the points and I get to hurl a ‘mater at you; Squirrels; You Taste Of Bun...

Isa: Ooh, buns!  Bun bun bun bun...

Derek: Okaaayyy... moving on: Famous Explosions; and finally, Prolific Fanfic Writers.

Dan: Tevenyel.  Let’s get started so I can win.

Isa: Not if I kill you first!

Dan: Not if I kill your mom first.

Derek: Killing your fellow contestants on the set is strictly forbidden.  We have an area behind the studio for that.

Isa: Woo hoo!

Derek: Whatever.  Dan, it’s your board, so you get to pick the first category.

Dan: I’ll take Fanfic Writers for 200.

Derek: Very well.  “This fanfic writer is known for dishing out lots of angst and his love of penguins.” [ DJW buzzes in ] DJW.

DJW: [ buzzes in again ] Guys, you gotta try this.  It’s amazing, there’s this little button here and if you press it it makes a noise! [ Buzzes in again ] See what I mean?

Dan: You’re kidding. [ Dan buzzes in, followed by Isa ] Dude, that’s awesome!

Isa: Dude, that rocks!

Derek: Do you have an answer?  Does anyone have an answer? [ Isa and Dan keep buzzing in repeatedly ]

DJW: Sure I got an answer: Your mother!  The question is, who did I sleep with last night?

Dan: Who is Oswald Cobblepot?

Derek: Wrong.

Isa: Richard Lobinske!

Derek: Definitely wrong.

Isa: But it felt so right...

Dan: Like last night. [ timeout buzzer sounds ]

Derek: The correct answer was “The Angst Guy”.

Dan: What kind of a name is that?

Isa: Lame.

Dan: Yeah.  This show sucks.

Derek: Hey, I don’t write the questions, I just ask them.

Dan: You suck.

DJW: I know someone else who sucks...

Isa: [ purring ] Me-yow.

Dan: [ growls at Isa, who hisses in response ]

DJW: ... moo?

Derek: Unfortunately, Dan, you’re still in the lead, so you get to pick another category.

Dan: I’ll take Character Names Starting With Q for 100. [ Isa buzzes in ]

Derek: I haven’t even asked the question yet! [ Isa buzzes in again ]

Dan: Hey, no fair, I wanna buzz in. [ buzzes in ]

Isa: I beat you to it.

Dan: Bitch!

Derek: [ desperate to calm things down ] Stop buzzing, both of you!

Isa: Oh no you didn’t! [ takes off her shoe and throws it at Dan ]

Dan: Dammit woman!

Derek: [ shouting to be heard over the din ] “This is the only major character on Daria whose name begins with the letter Q.” [ Dan, DJW, and Isa buzz in ] Dan.

Isa: Heeyyy! I buzzed first!

Dan: Who is Quincy?

Derek: Close, but no cigar, Dan.  DJW, what’s your answer?

DJW: Who is... Qaria?

Derek: Way off.  Isa?

Isa: I don’t think I want to tell you anymore.

Derek: [ thrown off by this response ] Uh...

Isa: [ to no one in particular ] I’m not talking to him anymore.

Dan: Tell the man, dammit!

Derek: What he said.

Isa: [ to Dan ] Don’t make me come over there!

Dan: Don’t make me come over there !

Isa: Don’t talk to me like you know me!

Dan: I play “Street Fighter”.  I know how to fight.

Isa: I went to a bad high school.  And you don’t have a weave.

Dan: Hadoken!

Derek: Okay, this is getting ri-goddamn-diculous.  Stop it, both of you!

DJW: Yeah, I lived in HULL, dammit, don’t make me kick both your asses!

Derek: Do I have to call security?

Dan: I can take ‘em.

DJW: [ whimpering ] Please don’t call security, I don’t want to go back to the dark place.

Derek: [ reaches under his podium and pulls out two ‘maters, which he hurls at Dan and Isa.  Isa ducks, but Dan gets hit in the face ]

Dan: What the hell was that?!  I’m gonna kick your... [ he suddenly stops in mid-sentence, then looks admiringly at Isa ] Oh, Isa, did I ever tell you you’re looking hot today?  I just noticed it.

Isa: Ewww, go away, you freak!

Dan: C’mon, baby.  You can’t resist Dan the Man.

Isa: Security!  Security!

Derek: [ trying to ignore Isa and Dan ] The correct answer was, of course, “Quinn”.  Anyway, since DJW is the only one not trading insults and catcalls with anyone else, he gets to choose the next category.

DJW: I’ll take Decomposing Dicks for 500.

Derek: [ looks at the sign taped over Deposed Dictators and sighs ] Dammit, not again... [ walks over to the board and rips the sign off ]

Dan: Whatever, babe.  I’ll see you out back after the show.

Isa: Ahhhhhhhh!!! [ hides under her podium and starts buzzing repeatedly ]

Derek: [ after ripping off the sign ] That’s “Deposed Dictators”, you sicko.  Anyway, the question is: This former dictator of Iraq is being tried for the deaths of thousands of Kurds.  Isa?

Isa: Help me...

Derek: I don’t recall there ever being any dictator with that name.  Or did you mean the verb “help”?

Dan: Oh, I’ll help you... [ starts to move towards Isa ]

Isa: AAAHHHHHH!!!! [ throws her buzzer at Dan, hitting him in the eye ] Back!

Dan: Gah, my eye! [ DJW watches all this and throws his buzzer at Dan as well, hitting him on the forehead ] Oww! Dammit, why do people keep doing that?!

DJW: I just wann fit in.

Dan: I’ll fit my fist in your face!

DJW: Not the face! [ picks up his podium and waves it around ] Back, damn you, back!

Dan: Dude, these things come out? [ tries to pick up his podium, but is too weak ]

Derek: Security! [ security guards rush onto the set and start wrestling the contestants to the ground, securing them in straitjackets after a short struggle.  They also reposition DJW’s podium. ]

DJW: Aw, cool, I haven’t worn one of these in weeks.

Dan: Heh, this is kinda kinky.

Derek: Alright, now that you’re all restrained from touching or hurting one another, we can continue.  For the sake of tradition, the answer to the last question was “Saddam Hussein”.  Isa, would you like to pick a category?

Dan: She can pick my category any day.

Isa: [ glancing nervously at Dan ] Can I have... um... what are the categories?

Derek: [ sighs ] They’re on the board over there. [ points to the category board on the other side of the set from Isa ]

DJW: Holy crap, where did that come from?

Isa: Squirters for 1500!

Derek: [ looks at the board, then back at his cards ] That’s “Squirrels”, and for $400: Jake is at war with these bushy-tailed rodents. [ DJW yells BUZZ! since he can’t use his buzzer with the straitjacket on ] DJW.

DJW: Can I go to the bathroom?

Derek: Later.  [ Dan blinks, causing Isa’s buzzer to go off since it’s still lodged in his eye ] Isa.

Isa: What is Connecticut!

Derek: Connecticut is a state, not a rodent.

Isa: It could be a rodent!  Prove to me it’s not!

Dan: [ weakly crawling to his buzzer ] Dammit, I have an answer...

Derek: [ noticing Dan ] Dan?

Dan: Who is Quinn?

Derek: No.  That was the answer to one of the previous questions.  The correct answer was “Squirrels”.

Dan: Can’t I get credit for the earlier one?

Derek: No.

Dan: You suck.  You suck so much you blow.

Derek: How nice.  It’s now time for Final Jeopardy.  You seem to be calm enough at the moment, so I’ll let security remove your straitjackets so you can actually do this part. [ security comes and removes the straitjackets ]

Dan: I’m free! [ Isa hides under her podium again ]

Derek: The category is: Fashion Fascists, and the question is: Name your favorite member of the Fashion Club.  [ Dan and DJW start writing down their answers ]   Any member, it doesn’t matter.  We even mentioned one earlier.

Isa: [ still under her podium ] Ooh, there’s some gum stuck under here! [ pause ] And it still has flavor!

Derek: Isa, that’s disgusting. [ Isa comes up from beneath her podium, chewing contentedly, and starts to write something down.  She then blows a huge bubble which explodes in her face ]

Isa: OH MY GOD!  I’M BLIND! [ claws desperately at the gum and falls over in a sticky mess ]

Derek: [ after the timeout buzzer beeps ] Time’s up.  Let’s see what you did this time.  Dan, you wrote: [ screen shows Tom] “Tom”, who is NOT a member of the Fashion Club.  And you wagered: [ screen shows My pants below Tom] Your pants.

Dan: Oh well, I guess I lost them.

Derek: You can keep them, we don’t want them. [ Dan starts taking off his pants ] And we definitely don’t want to see you without them!

Dan: You know what, screw you.  Tom is teh answer to everything. [ finishes taking off his pants and starts swinging them around over his head ] WHOOO!

Derek: Security!  Get him out of here!

Dan: [ as he gets dragged off by security ] You can’t control me!

Derek: Moving on, Isa wrote: [ a meaningless scribble appears on the screen ] Some sort of abstract art, or something.

Dan: [ who’s almost been dragged completely offstage by security ] You will suffer!  You will all suffer!

Derek: And you wagered: [My immortal soul appears below a meaningless scribble ] Your immortal soul.  [ looks thoughtful for a moment, then smiles lustfully at Isa ] Hmm, meet me in my dressing room after the show. [ Isa starts choking on the used gum, but Derek doesn’t notice ]

Dan: [ shouting from offstage ] AND BACK OFF MY WOMAN!

Derek: [ moves past Isa to the sparking mess that was once DJW’s podium ] Finally, DJW didn’t write anything because he destroyed his podium!

DJW: Yeah, I kicked its ARSE!

Isa: Oh god, why is no one helping?!

Derek: [ finally notices Isa’s predicament ] Well, if you really want some, Isa... [ starts moving towards her ]

Isa: Ahhh, get away!

Dan: [ runs back in with security hard on his tail ] I’ll save you, Isa! [ Isa starts crawling away from Derek while still choking.  Suddenly, she coughs up the gum and starts running.  Meanwhile, Dan runs into Derek, knocking him to the ground ]

DJW: [ looks around confused, then suddenly the light of realization dawns on him ] Heyyyy... this isn’t the Weakest Link.

[ Fadeout ]

Out-takes

Isa: That’s “pi” if you’re as dumb as me!

DJW: Pie?

Dan: I like pi.  Apple is the best.

Isa: Yummy.

DJW: Beats the hell out of Windows.

Dan: You can’t eat windows.

Isa: What if they’re made out of sugar?  Like in a fake house?

Dan: Mmm, like a gingerbread house.

Isa: Or a witch’s house!