Drunken Cynic
by Derek

Legal BS: Daria is property of MTV/Viacom and is used here without any permission whatsoever.  What are you going to do, sue me? (Just kidding!)

Notes: Thanks to Isa Yo-Jo for relating the story that this is based on.


Daria returned from the library to discover that her roommates and some other girls had a full-fledged party going on in their dorm room.  Everyone was talking loudly to each other, but most of their conversation was drowned out by the stereo.   So much for getting some sleep tonight , Daria thought.  She also noticed that beer was in abundance.   Where the hell do freshmen get that much beer?  I hope these people don’t throw up all over the place.  

Sighing, she started to push her way through the crowd towards her bedroom.  She was almost there when her roommate Kristen bumped into her.  “Hey Daria.  Where’ve you been?”  “Studying in the library, the same thing I do every night,” Daria replied in her usual monotone.

“Come on, Daria.  It’s Friday night, you’re supposed to be partying, not studying!”

“I don’t do ‘partying’,” Daria replied as she tossed her bookbag into her room.

“Girl, you need to loosen up,” said Kristen.  “Grab a beer and join us.  It’ll be fun, really.”

“I don’t care for drinking, Kristen.  Besides, we’re all underage.”

“F*** that, Daria.  Nobody here gives a damn about being underage.  Just have a beer, alright?  One beer isn’t going to hurt you.”

Daria sighed.  “Alright.  I’ll have a beer.  But if I pass out I’ll have my mom sue you.”

Kristen laughed.  he walked over to the fridge and pulled out a beer for Daria.  “Here.  Drink up!”  Daria took a swig and practically spit it out.  “God, this stuff tastes awful!”

Kristen laughed again.  “What do you expect from cheap beer?  Just drink some more of it and you’ll stop noticing the taste.”

Daria grimaced, and took another swig.  Soon she was drinking as much as everyone else at the party.  An hour and several beers later she was completely drunk, laughing at other people’s stupid jokes and stories, and generally having a good time.  

Having an idea, she staggered over to a chair by the wall and clumsily stood up on it.  Putting one hand against the wall for support, she raised the beer in her other hand.

“Drink up, bitches!” she yelled, before gulping down her beer.

“Woooooo!” the other girls shouted, doing the same.  

Daria finished gulping down her beer and threw the empty can across the room.  Abruptly, she bent over and threw up.  Somebody below her exclaimed, “Oh, gross!  Watch out the next time you puke!”  Daria stared at her unintended target.  “Thorry ‘bout that, Tux,” she slurred.  Tux waddled towards the bathroom to clean himself off.  Daria was so wasted that it never occurred to her to wonder why there was a laptop-toting penguin in her dorm.